ARCHI D. TOURS EVISCERATED, PRAISED, AND CONTEXTUALIZED: INSTALLMENT #1
RANKED AND SCOURED FOR LESSONS, PLUS EXTRA RESEARCH
TODAY: “The Table With The Flowers” concepts from David Hockney (via Nina Garcia); “PIANO SOLITUDE” and John Legend’s failure; the SELF as décor; “LISTENING ONLY SEATS” at home
Dear Snoops,
We’ll see how far with get this, but it is a crucial experiment in deconstructing what is - unfortunately - the most popular décor text of our time: the Arch*tectural D*gest Tour. (The A.D. tour of Whiz Khalifa’s place in Los Angeles has 53M views – more people than have EVER, THROUGH ALL TIME, picked up an actual copy of A.D., kinda.)
We’d come to realize that A.D. Tour reviews are always confined to the contents of the tour itself; never are the décor concepts (on which these celebrities have spent millions of dollars) given any context.
And, as a voyeuristic compendium of “ELITE DÉCOR”, A.D. Tours are unparalleled. Without the constraints of Normal Budget, and swirled with the narcissistic desire for domestic to be made “mass entertainment” and personal brand-building, they are wonderfully rich portraits of contemporary America.
We’ll begin with some old, some new, mixed in together.
REVIEWED THIS WEEK:
7.5/10 Jon Batiste and Suleika Jaouad, Brooklyn
5/10 Nate Berkus #1, Manhattan
4/10 Nina Garcia, Manhattan
4/10 Carmelo Anthony, Westchester
3.5/10 Ellen Pompeo #1, Los Angeles
2.6/10 John Legend and Chrissy Teigen #1, Los Angeles
0.5/10 Patrick Dempsey, Malibu
FULL RANKINGS THUS FAR:
7.5/10 Jon Batiste and Suleika Jaouad, Brooklyn
5/10 Nate Berkus #1, Manhattan
4/10 Nina Garcia, Manhattan
4/10 Carmelo Anthony, Westchester
3.5/10 Ellen Pompeo #1, Los Angeles
2.6/10 John Legend and Chrissy Teigen #1, Los Angeles
0.5/10 Patrick Dempsey, Malibu
A note on graphic design. Early A.D. tours had THIS title card (below), which we ADORE because it’s akin to all covers of FITZCARRALDO EDITIONS books, which are the best. (May we recommend: BOX HILL.)
Onto décor in the celebrity sphere:
JON BATISTE AND SULEIKA JAOUAD, Brooklyn (7.5/10)
Ranked very high because these two can legitimately DISCUSS their décor, expressing obvious personal connections to much of their homescape. This is rare; most A.D. tours express “collaborative” decision-making, i.e. they were out of town, and an interior designer imported some flotsam and jetsam from St Ouen Market in Paris.
Make a note to take the narrative power of décor into your own hands, and feel deeply the décor. This is EXCLUSIVELY why people “thrift” – it is to story-tell (even if just to themselves). (There is nothing to say about CB2.)
The home of BATISTE and JAOUAD also has a more robust consideration of particular spaces. Too often A.D. tours pause at supposed places of “reading”, or “where friends and family gather” for meals – this is where The Celebrity attempts to humanize themselves. Most of us call these places “sofa” and “dining table”. We all appreciate them. But in this case, it is this:
… a skylight that provides an enjoyable view of the moon, apparently. Take a moment to appreciate JON’s enthusiasm. If there is not such a moment within your décor, we invite you to devise one.
There is one critical note to make, with reference to the BATISTE-JAOUAD arrangement, and it is “OBSTRUCTED VIEW” seating, i.e. “LISTENING ONLY SEATS”:
Where this table is not set for dining, this is a psycho-social scenario worth mentioning:
There is an unalienable right to see all others at a dining table without the view being obscured by Excessive Flowers (also an EGO move). Those at the heads of the BATISTE-JAOUAD table might, instead, have to crane. That is, however, these flowers were not removed, which we are assuming this considerate couple would do.
NATE BERKUS #1, Manhattan (5/10)
The oldest A.D. tour available (10 years), and it shows, aesthetically. We’re not Berkusians, then or now, but his crucial divulgence is that he didn’t really buy much for THIS place, it was sh*t he ALREADY HAD. Already-Have-dness is a great shortcut to a place not looking too damn stiff and perfect.
NINA GARCIA, Manhattan (4/10)
Skippable. But, if you’re a fan of David Frankel’s “THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA” (2006), you’ll recognize the main décor tool used here: “the table with the flowers”.
The greatest source of inspiration for TABLE WITH FLOWERS should not, in fact, be NINA, but legendary homosexual DAVID HOCKNEY:
Principles of TABLE WITH FLOWERS we can extract from Hockney:
Never centered on a table. To center is utterly too neurotic
Preference is given to a bouquet composed solely of one type of flower (WE COMPLETELY AGREE HERE)
One must never look directly at the flowers
CARMELO ANTHONY, WESTCHESTER (4/10):
There is, inherent in A.D. Tours a very high level of ego. This is inescapable because it’s a SHOW-OFF platform. CARMELO takes this to astonishing heights, pushing an aesthetic of “THE SELF” to its boundary — with mixed results.
Décor elements within the first half of the tour: